I feel like I need to explain. Depression does not necessarily have an instigating event, nor an easy fix. It is not really something you can choose to "get over." It is one of the reasons it is so hard to admit to having. I am a positive person, I love to get up in the morning, I love to do special things for people. My love language is "gifts" and I really enjoy getting things that remind me of people. To be honest, I did not even realize I had PPD the first time. I thought depression meant you wanted to hurt yourself and/or others. That you cried all the time and had a specific reason for being upset. I was actually offended when my friends told my husband they thought I was depressed. In their defense, I cried through my own shower and told them I felt like I was coming up from underwater most of the time. And I NEVER cry in public.
I did NOT want to be a depressing person. It went against my whole image of myself. I always wanted to be the "fun" mom. It as difficult for everyone involved. I was a little better prepared for it when it happened again. My dear friend Nancy actually helped my teach school, as did her daughter Kristin. She also accompanied me to the grocery store. It completely overwhelmed me for months. The point I am making is: if I could have "gotten over it", I would have!
It has taken me a month to figure out what was going on. Apparently, I am also a great actor(actress, whatever), because people somehow think I am gentle and patient(I think I am neither). Also, most would not guess that I often struggle just to go to the store. I have freaked out at the thought of eating at Golden Corral; all those people, having to get up and go CHOOSE something, it was just too much. I am not like that everyday, and it is not my "true" self. Would that there were an instant cure. I really don't want to take meds or have it diagnosed. I guess because I prefer natural methods, and to be honest, it is embarrassing to me.
But I felt it needed to be said for whatever reason. Again, I apologize for being tiresome when Christmas should be happy and full of joy. I guess part of it is that our funds do not allow me to do what I would like, especially for Christmas. It is what we have chosen so that Michael could attend seminary, and we knew it was coming, but is somehow harder to live with than I anticipated.
I have some funny stuff for when I have a moment, but right now there is a baby needing her breakfast!
About Me
- Chastains
- I am a homeschooling mom who enjoys many things, but has time for very few, at the moment , at least.
2 comments:
Hey Laura,
I haven't been by to catch up in a few days. December seems to get full so quickly and with all that goes on in my household, my computer time seems to be the first thing to go.
I am thankful that I have never struggled with PPD or depression---my words are so inadequate to offer any words of advice. However, it hurts me to know that you are so far away and I am unable to physically be there to encourage and support you. Do know that I care deeply for you as a friend and can and will pray for you. Sometimes struggling to fight for joy when the darkness does not lift helps us to find our strength in Him.
I believe the Lord has blessed you with Savannah's return. What a sweet season in your life to share a friendship with your daughter.
Do not feel you have to explain yourself----like you said, if you could choose to change, you would. :)
BTW, my love language is NOT gift giving. (which is why it doesn;t bother me, I suppose) but I've always admired your ability to find that special gift for the people in your life. That's what I enjoyed about the post of the reverse list---I see that same trait in a couple of your children. Despite having all the money in the world and being able to buy anything-----it's the little attention to the details of what the recepient will delight in that sometimes does not cost much or is found in the most unexpected places.
Hi there! This is Joanne - Alexandra (Evan and Liz's friend) and Christiana's (Ivy's pen-pal) Mom :)
Evan told me you had a blogger account so of course I had to come "meet" you.
Sorry you have had PPD. I struggle from time to time with bouts of depression. I don't cry or want to hurt anyone. Just feel nothing. I feel it when it settles in - like a cold coming on and I feel it when it leaves, like at the end of a migraine when you appreciate so much the relief.
The other day at work a young Mom told me she was worried she had PPD - she described the depression as nothing is happy. Nothing is in color. Thought that was a great description.
Anyway - hope you will be getting relief soon and be back to fun Mom. And I hope very much that sometime when Evan and Liz come to visit ALexandra that Ivy will be able to come too and finally meet Christiana!
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